Head case

Today I'm grateful for kleenex. And caffeine. And tylenol. Boy, am I grateful.  A couple hundred years ago and I'd be wiping my nose on my sleeve, half asleep, moaning about my head.  I guess I'm also grateful I don't live a couple hundred years ago.

Drop and Give Me...a Break.

You know those really annoying people who are all, "aim high, shoot higher, and PR every time."
I don't know if it's nature or nurture but, well, I confess I'm one of those people. Fortunately, my annoyingness it tempered by the fact that I don't actually succeed all that often, so I've been forced to swallow a good bit of realism over the years.
But, my inner drill sergeant hasn't. She still barks at me, "Faster. More. Better. Thinner." She drives me to live an examined, and at times downright critiqued life. Its good in that I have to own the choices I make and I truly do want to be all I can be. Its bad when I don't measure up and then I get a combat boot in the...brain.
Well, last week I got tired of it. So, I put her on leave. I'm sure she'll be back, but just for now, I'm taking time off of striving.
 I reordered Netflix. I hit pause on some long term goals I've been actively pursuing. I bought a bottle of wine. And a piece of chocolate cake. I started reading two books at once, while I'm still only halfway through the last one.
And it feels....good. A little weird, but good.
In this period of strivelessness, if I can make up a word, no one seems to be shocked or appalled, or even to care that much.
Especially God. We still hang and he has yet to tell me to drop and give him twenty. No, if anything it's like he's said, "Do what you gotta do. We're going to get there on these dreams I've got for us, but on my time, not yours. So, enjoy your cake."
I don't know why I always think God is worried about results. I feel like I need to impress him and like every time he gives me a dream, he wants to achieve it yesterday.
Lately I've been reminded that it's not stuff he wants from me, its just me. This is harder and easier than giving him medals I won on his behalf. It's hard to believe plain ol' me is enough. But...how freeing it is to believe. It's like I can inhale fully and let my shoulders relax for the first time in ages.
And the funny thing? I've actually done a little more, achieved some things a tad better, and enjoyed God in greater ways now that I'm not trying so hard to succeed. I've even cooked some veggies, go figure.
Don't get me wrong, the drill sergeant will be back, and that's a good thing. After all, we can't live all of our lives on wine and chocolate and half-read novels. But, for now, its good to be at ease.

Simple

This morning I have the windows open. It's not hot yet, so the slight shift of new air is cool, fresh.  When I first pulled the shades up, unlatched the locks and lifted the windows, my eyes caught on a tree coated in bright light. I still can't stop looking at it.
There's nothing unique about it. It's not blue or seven stories tall or sparkly. Its just brilliant in the simplicity of what a tree is made to be. Lime and kelly leaves froth over a blonde wood trunk that almost glows in the untainted sun.
Birds are singing, adding their vocal beauty to the scene. It is everyday, and it is extraordinary.
I'm afraid I spend so much of my life looking forward, striving, hoping for something unusual, that I miss the grandeur of a Friday with a cornflower sky, and a tree in the morning sun.
Thank you Lord, for beauty and that it is everywhere. That it is not rare or difficult to find or complex, and that is what makes it so stunning. Thank you for this world, for the glories I've seen and those I will see. Please never let me grow callous--no, let me grow uncallous--to all you have made here in this day, in this moment. Give me a soul for your beauty. Breathe on me, cool and fresh. Bless the tree.  All my love.

Are we there yet?

I remember being a kid and sitting in the back seat of a rental car on vacation saying, "are we there yet" at really irritating intervals.
Payback is a...well, it's not nice.
I just got back from Oklahoma City via Fayetteville. This means me and Jellybean and the Buckster were on the road for over seven hours.  In the car, Buckley sleeps. This is great. Jellybean, on the other hand, meows at thirty minute intervals. This is so not great.
After the first four hours we made it to Fayetteville and while I went to a meeting, the boys had to go to a vet to board. They've never been boarded before. In fact, the last time they were at the vet they lost their fuzzy dice. So needless to say, they were not all about the vet when I dropped them off. As much as I explained that it was just for a few hours since they couldn't stay in the car, they didn't seem to get it. I think like most men, they have selective hearing.
Well, I went and did my thing and picked up the boys. They had a chance to stretch their legs, pee, and get some water, but they were not seeing this as a plus.
After I picked them up, we had another three hours to get home. Buckley went back to sleep and nary a peep escaped from Jellybean. I guess he was afraid of getting sent back to the vet.

So, after seven hours in the car, I'm thankful for the vet to board my pets, for the fear of the vet that kept Jellybean quiet for three hours, and for the wonderful feeling of finally getting home intact.  Thank you, Jesus, for the boys, and for quiet, and for parents who didn't take me to the vet when I wouldn't stop saying "are we there yet." All my love.

Dirk the Blue--and White--Impoola

Poor Dirk the Blue Impala has been cruising around with bird poo on his hood and windshield frame for too long. It's embarrassing for us both. I try to park where no one will see me get out of the car, and I don't make eye contact at stoplights.

If you know me, you're not totally surprised. When it comes to my car, I'm not exactly Nancy Neatness.  There may or may not be a number of empty water bottles rubbing shoulders on the floor of the back seat.

And since the car wash on the corner stopped running a few weeks ago, there's no telling how long Dirk would have been marred by white blobs.

But then....drumroll....I drove through a four-minute downpour today! Not long enough to eat up my time, but long enough to de-poo Dirk.

I am not going to draw any soul-parallels today, though I'm sure sin is the bird poo of our lives and of course Jesus is the Living Water (okay, just one). I'm just glad for a cleaner car!

Thank you, Jesus, for rain, and for Dirk. And for washing the poo off my soul.  All my love.

And the winner is....

If you take exit 4 off of 430 and head North on Fair Park, you'll find yourself at the Little Rock Zoo. I did just that this Sunday with my sister and niece who were in visiting for the weekend.  We're no San Diego, but we've got our share of lions, tiger and bears.
It's been years since I've been to a zoo to watch God's creatures in pseudo-natural habitats doing animalish  things like eating carrot bits or napping in the shade, and I'd forgotten how entertaining it can be. We explored the zoo for about five hours, then picked our favorite sights.
My niece, who I call Peanut, liked the train the best and the giraffes second best.
I liked the Malaysian bear that was seriously contemplating the logistics of jumping the safety-ditch that separated him from an eight year-old boy. In the end he decided not to chance it and took his two-inch claws to the shade. And I also liked the giraffes.
Among the runners-up for best animal were the young chimp who swung around collecting food, the gorilla who sat and stared out the gate, the woolly bear who looked like he might hyperventilate, a bald eagle who held a man by the arm (the man said he was doing the holding, but we all know who was in charge), the inexplicably cute groundhogs, and a ginormous tortoise that may or may not have been dead...I'm just saying, no creature should be that still for that long.
Some of the animals that didn't make it past the first elimination round were the otters who hid from view, all snakes for obvious reasons, the birds who stood on two legs, lazy alligators, the donkey--yes, we have a donkey in our zoo, but its in the kids' section (yes, our zoo has a kids' section)--orangutans, and very small turtles, even though they were visibly alive.
It was a fun day and a good reminder what a splendidly creative God we have. And as funky as the wildlife on this planet is, I bet we ain't seen nothin' yet. Imagine what Heaven will be like?  Okay, I'm going to get brain-burn trying to stretch that far, but I'm so grateful that God is genius, inventive, original, and endless. May I never stop being surprised by what He can make.
Mad props to you, God, for the animal kingdom, even the parts we haven't discovered yet. You are so vast and so glorious. Thanks for Julia and Peanut and a reminder of who you are.  All my love.

The Little Things.

Tonight I'm grateful that I'm not a crane operator. And for green curry, white wine, Jellybean and the Buckster, and Hulu, for bringing me the Bachelorette--a quality dramedy and a reminder that even the beautiful people are ragingly insecure.