You know those really annoying people who are all, "aim high, shoot higher, and PR every time."
I don't know if it's nature or nurture but, well, I confess I'm one of those people. Fortunately, my annoyingness it tempered by the fact that I don't actually succeed all that often, so I've been forced to swallow a good bit of realism over the years.
But, my inner drill sergeant hasn't. She still barks at me, "Faster. More. Better. Thinner." She drives me to live an examined, and at times downright critiqued life. Its good in that I have to own the choices I make and I truly do want to be all I can be. Its bad when I don't measure up and then I get a combat boot in the...brain.
Well, last week I got tired of it. So, I put her on leave. I'm sure she'll be back, but just for now, I'm taking time off of striving.
I reordered Netflix. I hit pause on some long term goals I've been actively pursuing. I bought a bottle of wine. And a piece of chocolate cake. I started reading two books at once, while I'm still only halfway through the last one.
And it feels....good. A little weird, but good.
In this period of strivelessness, if I can make up a word, no one seems to be shocked or appalled, or even to care that much.
Especially God. We still hang and he has yet to tell me to drop and give him twenty. No, if anything it's like he's said, "Do what you gotta do. We're going to get there on these dreams I've got for us, but on my time, not yours. So, enjoy your cake."
I don't know why I always think God is worried about results. I feel like I need to impress him and like every time he gives me a dream, he wants to achieve it yesterday.
Lately I've been reminded that it's not stuff he wants from me, its just me. This is harder and easier than giving him medals I won on his behalf. It's hard to believe plain ol' me is enough. But...how freeing it is to believe. It's like I can inhale fully and let my shoulders relax for the first time in ages.
And the funny thing? I've actually done a little more, achieved some things a tad better, and enjoyed God in greater ways now that I'm not trying so hard to succeed. I've even cooked some veggies, go figure.
Don't get me wrong, the drill sergeant will be back, and that's a good thing. After all, we can't live all of our lives on wine and chocolate and half-read novels. But, for now, its good to be at ease.